Humihilab ang sugat
na pilit pinaghihilom
ng panahong limot
sa alaala’t sawi.
Bingi na ang tainga
sa alulong ng awit
na kagabi lang inialay
ng mga labing may pait.
Imbot at galit
isinasaway sa isip
ngunit di pa maiwaglit
sa pusong dukha
ang hapding inilatay
ng dilang matalim,
ng matang mapanukso,
ng haplos na nakapapaso,
at kailan pa ma’y
di magiging akin.
May kabig sa dibdib
bawat patak na idinuduwal,
ng langit,
ng mata,
ng pag-asang lumisan na.
Di matanto ang pagkutya
ng amihang bumulong
sa taingang pikon
ng ligayang wala.
Nasaan na?
Bumabadya na ang unos
ngunit di na kayang maka-alpas,
ayaw nang kumaripas,
at sa huling buntong-hininga’y
suko na.
Suko na.
Kampay ng alon sa batuhang dalampasigan,
bumubulwak, sumisirit.
Tila nagsusumamo.
Pumipiglas, nanunukso.
At sa kisap-mata’y biglang
wala.
Ano ang kaligayahan kundi isang dagat ng kawalan?
Hawiin ang agiwang isip.
Puksain ang daga sa dibdib.
Isangtabi ang halinghing ng habagat at sa muli’y
lumaban.
Umasa.
Manalig.
Pandayin ang bukang-liwayway sa panaginip
na kanina lamang isiniwalat
ng iyong
paghihimbing.
Dear Circuit-boy,
So they called you a slut. Big deal.
Should that label be responsible for that infernal wedgie riding up your crack?
I always thought that one of the best things about evolving into our thirties is that we finally come to terms with ourselves. Careening through our tumultuous teens and drunken twenties, the thirties should offer us respite from ambivalence and peer-pressure paranoia. One may even arguably say that the thirties should be a decade of definition, of realizing our strengths and weaknesses, of acknowledging what we are and what we are definitely not.
So why then should you lose sleep over what some tired, cynical, angst-ridden queen has to say about your sexual proclivities?
Labelling is cliché. The intricacies of human life cannot be captured by a single derogatory remark on your person. If people refuse to be defined by a 40-hour a week job that barely pays minimum wage, why then should you allow your once-a-week habit of gyrating to the tempo of the house beat while savoring the undulating man-meat on the dance floor box you into being a slut? I find it ironic that as you dance with liberation and wild abandon, you allow yourself to be restricted by this same freedom. We are brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters. We are fathers, mothers, professionals, and students. We are gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered and so on. And yes, sometimes we are sluts too. Each term offers a snapshot of one’s nature but none of them are all-encompassing. They are co-dependent and are vital to creating a gestaltist perspective of one’s persona.
So when did it become scornful to celebrate sensuality and in essence, life? Some people celebrate the spiritual, others the cerebral and what not. Hoohah. Good for them. Why then should we vilify the celebration of the physical, carnal, and the divine sexual? As we perch on our moral high-horses and wag our tongues at the social butterflies we see flitting from one lap to another, do we not create a greater disservice to ourselves by limiting our own options to what society considers G-rated behavior? Acknowledging the sexual is imperative to understanding the repertoire of the human character. It is as essential as yin is to yang, as cigarettes are to coffee, as Sonny is to Cher, and yes, as Dolce is to Gabbana.
So why fear your own inner slut?
Embrace it and set it free.
Shake your booty and give J Lo a run for her money.
Rafael
Dear Indecisive,
A lot has to be said about careful planning. It helps for one to define a goal and dissect the strategies that need to be done to achieve it. Laying out your options and weighing each one of them based on objective realities could definitely help in figuring out the best course of action to employ. Understand though, that your choice can only be as good as your options. Limit your options to that which society considers safe and mediocre, and you’ll eventually end up with lukewarm decisions; decisions which, although sound and secure, are not the stuff of legends.
Where logic and reason fail, faith, hope and passion follow. Logic may arm you against the known, factorable consequences but it is strength of spirit and the resolute, almost stubborn adherence to your dreams, that would fuel you to shoot for the stars.
Calculating risks and factoring in the unexpected can never be overly stressed. But no matter what one does in foresight to see the bigger picture, one can never really fathom its entire meaning unless done in retrospect. Thus said, grabbing the bull by its horns is the only way to humanize one’s existence. Paint your canvass with splotches of vibrant reds, oranges and yellows and deviate from the somber grays and earthy browns. After all, life was never said to be safe. True, one can always surmise what outcomes may prevail given certain decisions. But life has too many uncertainties to figure out the summations of all these outcomes.
It helps not only to dream, desire and act; I’ve found it more rewarding to learn how to play the cards you’re dealt with the best way you can. Do not be one of angst-ridden twenty-somethings who blame fate, their parents, or their dysfunctional upbringing for their onus. Do not allow the circumstances to manipulate you; manipulate the circumstances to work for you. I’ve always subscribed to the belief that the individual is decisive; he creates his own destiny. Hits and misses are all part of the gamble. But hey, it’s your hits and misses to make. It’s your successes, your failures. It’s your life, own it. Only you could decide how to live it best. After all, life is just plain too short to fuss over stuff that would be immaterial 20 years from now.
And this is the stuff from which life, great novels, and interesting headstones are born.
Rafael
Dear Lesbian-in-the-closet,
Congratulations on finally accepting your gayness. Hinay-hinay lang girl at masalimuot ang mundong pinapasukan mo. There’s definitely reason why most of us have evolved into brazen, tough-clawed bitches and you’ll soon find out why. This is not to say that we do not have heart (and I’m sure you know that despite all our panlalait). It’s just more difficult to let our guards down with all the crappy stuff the world has to throw at you just because you’re different. Do not forget though, that coming out is a long protracted process. You don’t settle it with one big statement like they do in the movies. Coming out is an everyday thing, in your words, actions, sentiments, and intents. Take your sweet time, only fools rush things.
I’m glad that you’re happy and I do hope things work out for you guys. I do agree that this year has been crazy and for people like us, I do not really expect otherwise. We are too sentient and enduring to settle for mediocre challenges, if you can call them challenges at all. I do welcome the change though and finding out how differently we are viewed through the white man’s eyes is truly refreshing. What is ironic is that after 29 years of looking for one’s true north in the Philippines, I find myself content on my own, and at times, even reproachful of their attempts at intimacy. Take note: I say content, not complete because I know that completion has yet to come in the next few cycles. Now, I literally find myself fending off dates and requests for relationships…not because I feel too pretty or too fabulous for their tastes or just because i want to preserve the integrity of my sphincter, but because it is no longer the main point of my agenda. Funny how most important things in life parallel the common experience of not finding a taxi when you most need it and then, seeing dozens when you don’t. Hmmm, something does have to be said about everything falling into place at the right time and I do know that this is not the right time for me now to get into a relationship. Sex of course is a totally different story…..
Till my next letter.
Rafael
Dear Lesbian-in-the closet,
Mga choyaks!!!
Mga alila ni Lulubelle Lam!!!
Kulto ng mga nagmumurang tahong!!!
O ayan. Now that’s over and done with….
Bongga ka day! Now you know how big the world is outside the classroom. That’s what I discovered once l Ieft UP…para kang trumpong pinag-aagawan ng kung sino-sino…syempre you’d have to do the spinning on your own sometimes but all is good. I do hope though that you still consider relocating to the US. Of course you won’t immediately get the respect and the reputation you deserve but the financial rewards are large. More than that, it is the lifestyle and the general sense of belonging without sticking out like a sore thumb that makes it all worthwhile. I’ve discovered all these when I went to San Francisco and I knew I’ve found my nirvana. All the 29 years of baggage about losing my hair, about not being fit, about being fat, about being too flamboyantly gay, about being to cerebral at times…all the things I used to justify why no one ever took a second glance at me back home…. all these just fell away and went to the market! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being called gorgeous, exotic, smooth, perfect and hot with all sincerity and utmost reverence by all these cute white guys. For once, I am no longer a brain with attitude but a sexual being who people actively seek. You could tell, the US has done wonders for my self-esteem and the sense of community I felt in San Francisco was great. I do hope you get to experience that here too.
It’s about time you two came around and admitted your feelings for each other. I knew something was in the works way back then. You guys would make a great couple: she needs your stability, organization and direction….you need her spontaneity, her zest for life, and quirkiness. You do have to understand that being on this side of the fence isn’t easy…it comes with a big commitment to not only love each other but also to stick it out despite what the world around you says. It’s a good thing that you have our friends to watch your backs but be sure to be strong enough to weather the storm. Be prepared to make enemies of some of your friends because of your life-decisions…rest assured, you’ll still make a million more worth keeping. This is one of the reasons I fervently ask you to reconsider the US for both of you…it’s a new life, a new page, a fresh start. No judgments…just living life the way we see fit.
All the mothering, nurturing, caring…they’re all good. But remember that you are not her mother; you are not her body guard, professional adviser, nor mentor. Getting into a relationship is a totally different ball game and if these are her main reasons for sticking with you then you have to ask yourself what would happen when the novelty fades off? What will happen when the girl grows up to be a woman and learns to fend for herself? You are now partners in an equitable relationship, not just two people looking for companionship in a mundane world. There must be more that just that…a union of souls, hearts, and minds….something that will tide you over when all the monsters have been dealt with and all you have to look forward to is walking hand-in-hand towards the sunset. There is a greater order to things and you, of all people, have to believe that this is part of that grandiose scheme.
Grabe, I always believed that this year would bring so much excitement for both of us. I knew this year would rock my world and I still look forward to the next few months…
Buti na lang nag-Fita ako nung bata ako…..
Rafael
Dear Lonely,
I am sad to hear the circumstances youre going through right now. Your most recent blog seemed pained, almost reproachful of life. I would just like to remind you that there are worse things in life than being straight and lonely…its called being gay and lonely.You still owe me a lot of quento and you know that I’m always ready to listen or read whatever you have to share. I, on the other hand, am busy fending off ennui. North Carolina is a great place for nature lovers and I enjoy the occasional romp in the woods and then some. But nature-lover I am not. Thus, I so miss the buzzing comfort of conversation, the blaring of car horns in traffic, the rhythmic thumping of basses on the car sound system, and the infrequent, albeit refreshing, screams of the neighborhood schizophrenic.
The silence in this sleepy town is deafening. It rouses long-suppressed voices in one’s subconscious and one finds oneself engaging more frequently in introspective soliloquy. Taking care of America’s pleasantly demented and forgotten elderly makes one wonder if the men one meets offer only temporary solace, palliative care for the eventual, unavoidable end. But then, one can only wonder and hope that there is meaning in all these. That there is a greater scheme that one has yet to uncover.
But enough about this.
I have yet to meet someone of genuine interest as this part of America seems deprived of that resource. I have to admit I am getting laid more than ever but that is totally beside the point. Although American men have a weird, almost surreal adoration for Asian chic, I on the other hand, find them wanting. Or maybe I just havent found anyone worth my time…
My co-workers have conscripted me to help design a float for the town’s Christmas parade which makes me pause and think: Have they smoked me out and discovered my artistic (read: gay) nature? For the past few months, they’ve been trying to find out if I had any girlfriend at home (at which I puke in my mouth on cue), or if I had a wife and family (at which I throw up my entire lunch). I don’t offer them any information and I act the same way I’ve acted for the past 29 years so I could only conclude that these people are totally clueless about alternative lifestyles. I imagine them shitting their pants once they find out that I am a card-carrying member of the queer nation. In the meantime, I shall leave them confused lest they lose their cotton-pickin minds over whatever revelation I have in store for them.
The holidays are soon approaching and I am sure to miss the bonfires and theme parties in the Philippines. If I play my cards right, I could probably scheme my way into getting a few invites to parties here and there but I know it really wont be the same. I am looking forward to going back to LA for the New year and to celebrate it with my ever-so-faggotty high school friends…
Here ends the musings of slowly degenerating mind. Miss you guys. Keep in touch and make quento…
Rafael
At the moment, I find myself in the doldrums. Of course, I’m certain, that many others are in worse situations than I. However, I have been trying to figure out a way to crawl out of the rut I’ve gotten myself into. Thus, I have decided to come out with a regular blog on friendster. Yes, I have decided to join the bandwagon but I shall be posting my blogs with a twist of lime. This blog, I hope, would enlighten people and give my friends the occasional dose of wit and humor that I enjoy dispensing, even if I am no longer physically present to raise my eyebrows and point the unforgiving finger. Those who know me well can only attest to my desire to achieve yoda-esque status and to others, this may seem a bit too sophomoric. But the hell I care.
My idea is to publish all the letters I’ve been sending to my friends that have the teenciest bit of wisdom. Of course, anonymity shall be ensured and names/places/ or other facts that may point to the friend’s identity will be changed.
So write to me and see what I think about your latest issues. I’m sure there is someone out there, aside from you, who could benefit from whatever crap I have to say.
Rafael
